Glory Be.
By Samuel K. Michael
I.
i watch the sun rise from the comfort of the rickety chair on my back porch; i feel its warmth hit my skin as i venture out into the meadow behind my house, seeking the serenity that it might bring me; it feels as though i’m floating, the wheat and flowers brushing against my pants, stickers sticking onto them, and i know that it will be a pain to pull them off, but it all would have been worth it, if i could just continue on and on and on, stress beginning to rise in the pit of my stomach as i search for god in this field, and i search until the moon comes up, its beams casting light down onto the open space as i finally find him, in a location unknown to me, and i wonder to myself: was the journey worth it?
II.
what are the dangers of waiting, then searching, then finding god, the divine entity that lords over the seven billion people on this earth, over all sentient and insentient beings in the universe, sitting upon his ivory throne as those of us below suffer, as those of us less fortunate than the dead are forced to endure the pains of life, god watching us with a keen eye, giving us the free will that we always wanted; while we suffer in filth and squalor, while we search and search for god’s salvation, what are the dangers of eventually finding it?
III.
i now understand the dangers of god’s salvation, as i lay on the pavement, my blood pooling around me in a crimson puddle, people passing me by as i lay dying, as if i weren’t there, as i grip the solemn cross upon my chest, my eyes fluttering shut as i pray and pray and pray to not be sent to hell, and in these final moments i realize that the danger of finding god is fear, the fear that i won’t be worthy of finding eternal peace, that i am damned for the years that i spent fighting all proper laws humanity had put in place for me, and in these last moments i wonder if life was even worth living, and if i am to go to hell, what was the point in suffering longer in this life, what was the point of not ending my own life before now, before i began to bleed out on the busy streets of the city.
IV.
judgment is scary, in life and in death, and i’ve found that waiting to be judged by the lord and savior, the son of god, is harder than living, even though he calmly stands there, one hand resting lightly on my shoulder, and i begin to regret dying, despite it not having been my choice, and i wonder if i am to be damned or saved, and i wonder what i’ll do in either heaven or hell, what i am able to do, and as the pendulum swings in front of me, my eyes following it back and forth as it weighs the worth of my soul, i think about how differently i could have lived my life, and images flash before my mind’s eye of the different choices i had, the ones i decided not to take, and i realize that maybe life was worth living after all.
V.
glory be to the father, and to the son, and to the holy spirit; as it was in the beginning, is now, and ever shall be, world without end, amen.
About the Piece: This is about my experience with religion and my faith as a trans man who has struggled with organized religion my whole life, while still keeping my faith in God and Jesus.
Samuel K. Michael
Samuel K. Michael is an undergraduate student attending Sierra Nevada University. He is a junior and plans to move on to graduate school to fulfil his dream of becoming an English professor. He has been a writer for a little over a decade, finding that writing helps him cope with the struggles of everyday life. He primarily writes prose, rather than poetry, but will dabble in poetry from time to time. He plans on writing for the rest of his days.